“Now I know what you’re thinking. “Cthulhu, you’re argalothzathash years old and the last thing we need is another old timer in office.” But hear me out. With that age comes wisdom beyond your comprehension. I’ve lived an infinity of “lifetimes” in the short time it took you to hear these very words.
Time to you is an incurable disease but it doesn’t have to be”. Cthulhu raised a tentacle to his left.
“My opponent here claims I want to devour your souls to feed my endless hunger, but I’m so much more than that.
If elected, I promise to focus less on fossil fuel and instead focus on more renewable sources of energy like wind, solar and human sacrifice.”
Cthulhu sighs.
“Look, I may be an Old God but I’m not a monster! My opponent here has cut public school funding by 33% last year. That’s not just affecting your children today but their future. A future I can see!”
Cthulhu looks to the crowd.
“You know what? I’ll be frank. I can trick you guys, use mind control techniques, all the tricks of the trade we all know my opponent will use but instead, I hope that you will see I’m here to work in the interest of the community.
A vote for Cthulhu is a vote for “Yarlgragh”
Thank you, I’ll now open the floor for questioning.”
Cthulhu lifts a tentacle from his face and points to the crowd.
“Yes, what’s your Question?”
A tall woman stands up with a black fountain pen and a leather bound notebook. “Good morning Mr. Cthulhu I’m Tanisha Roushe with the LA times. Sources say you’ve never filed taxes due to your Elder God status, care to comment?”
Cthulhu quickly pushes the microphone away from his face and says in an audible voice “No further questions, thank you for your time.”
Guided by his aides, Cthulu hurries off stage as the crowd erupts in questions and flashing lights.
Cthulhu has lived for an infinity, consuming planets and galaxies in the time it takes mere mortals to blink. Cthulhu never knew defeat but even Elder Gods must learn the only thing in the universe that is absolute are taxes.
Lorne Bronstein