I love my girlfriend. She makes the best blueberry pie. At least, she did. Last week she brought home a candle which isn’t abnormal, if anything, something is off if she’s not burning candles but something about this candle was different. The candle had weird engravings in it, things that resembled letters but not letters from any language I’ve seen before and the smell? It smells like beef left out in the hot sun but she can’t get enough of it and if it makes her happy, it makes me happy. I love my girlfriend and just want her to be happy.
It’s now been three days since she started burning the candle and no matter how long it burns, it never seems to melt. The smell is much more intense now and boarding on nauseating but I love my girlfriend so I ignore the smell.
When the cravings started I thought nothing of it, girls have weird cravings and a pound of beef a day isn’t too obscure plus, I love my girlfriend and just want her to be happy.
By the end of the week the pound a day habit quickly became two pounds a day. It’s now been two weeks and her hunger has grown to fifteen pounds of raw beef a day. I quickly ran out of money but she needed to eat so I did what any good boyfriend would do, I provided for her. At first it was squirrels, raccoons, whatever I could hit with my BB gun but when the wildlife got used to the sound of my rifle they stopped coming around.
I love my girlfriend so I improvised and started luring neighborhood cats. The neighbors chalked it up to coyotes but there are only so many cats in the area.
At first I was conflicted but quickly realized that homeless aren’t real people, plus, I love my girlfriend. After the third hobo they started to notice and I haven’t seen as many since.
I’ve now run out of money due to her diet and as a result, they cut our power. Thankfully, she still has her candle. The smell is awful but with my thigh in the oven it masks the smell a bit.
By tonight she should finish me off but that’s okay, I love my girlfriend.
Lorne Bronstein