As far as friends went, Lenny didn’t have any, unless you count the rotting corpse that was once a feral cat left to decay and became one with the shag carpet. In a desperate attempt to scavenge for food, the stray scouted through a trash bag left open on the floor only to choke on a cellophane wrapper sprinkled with the remnants of a tuna sandwich forgotten long ago. Lenny forgot he ever let the cat in and as for the smell of decay? By the time the cat died, the sweet acrid aroma of decomposition became as much of a staple in the Briston household as chocolate chip cookies are to Christmas eve. Lenny was lonely, the neighbors could smell the aroma that permeated from his house for blocks. Every few months a small committee of mostly retirees and concerned single moms would get together to talk about as they called “The problem house.” After seeking the advice of a real estate lawyer they faced the bitter realization that the state of New York was liberal minded in their property laws and prided itself on offering homeowners autonomy over their domicile.
“Best you can do is write letters and if you notice anything in the public roads that disobey the bylaws, you can report it. Maybe after enough fines he may get the hint but I wouldn’t count on it.” Wise words from Roberto Mishim, your friendly neighborhood real estate lawyer.
The letters began to pile on the front of Lennys yard until the stack of papers began to disintegrate into an ink-filled pile of mush adding to the already unseemly appearance of the house.
The neighborhood kids would spread rumors saying Lenny was some kind of a vampire and if you stayed out too late, he would grab you. Vampirism wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility. Lenny rarely left the house, only seeing the sun on the odd occasion when he ventured down the decrepit rooting wood stairs of his porch to fetch groceries left at the stoop by the delivery man.
Lenny didn’t have many allies except one. Next door was Nancy Cratworth, an older red headed woman who lost her husband in Korea and both her sons to the needle. Other than her small irish setter Rupert she didn’t have many friends. Nancy always liked Lenny and felt bad for his situation. She knew him since he was a child and watched as he went from a bright eyed young boy filled with potential to a binge eating neurotic hermit.
Lenny would spend hours on the computer watching videos of “vloggers”, a term used to describe everyday people who record every waking moment of their life from their first shit in the morning to their bedtime routine. His genre of choice was travel vloggers; these “nomads” traveled the world sharing unique experiences to their online audience. There was one specific vlogger Lenny considered his favorite. Her name was Kandy Gestin, she was a travel vlogger and model. Kandy was a twenty two year old with red hair, a slim figure and enough plastic surgery that her American doctors refused to work on her any longer. Her most recent video was titled “Can you help me?” To Lenny, a new upload felt like Christmas Day. Lenny would prepare a favorite meal, sit in his comfy chair and let Kandy’s beauty radiate from the screen. One day he would marry her, she just didn’t know he existed yet.
Chapter 2
With the new video loaded and waiting, Lenny stepped over the dried out chicken bones, past the patches of green fuzz now fused with the carpet and made his way to the kitchen to grab a half eaten pizza from the night before. As he inched closer to the pizza, flies darted from the partially open box. Lenny swatted his chubby arm to distance himself from the flies, grabbed the pizza box and a bottle of now flat room temperature diet soda.
Lenny was careful not to trip on any of the garbage left on the floor to ensure his spoiled fly infested pizza made it to his destination safely.
Like a captain at the helm of his ship, Lenny was finally ready for his voyage into the ether. With a greasy finger he clicked the left mouse button to play the video. Nothing happened. He began to click his mouse with rapidity. As the button sprung back into his greasy finger he pressed harder hoping that would jumpstart the frozen video.
Lenny’s breathing became shallow and rapid. His face became red and hot. Lenny lifted the mouse and slammed it down on the wooden desk. Plastic and springs ricocheted off the surface flying in every direction.
“Fuck!” Lenny yelled as he slammed both greasy hands down on his mechanical keyboard cracking the plastic frame and sending spring loaded keys in every direction.
Kandy Gestin needed help, why? Who knows. All Lenny knew was he needed a new keyboard and mouse.
It’s been forty five minutes since Lenny broke his mouse and keyboard. Helooked online and saw if he ordered them, even paying for express shipping it will take until tomorrow to arrive and god forbid something goes wrong and it gets delayed another day. Lenny scratched his oily beard as he contemplated alternatives.
“Best Electronics is only a four minute drive.” he thought to himself. “I could be in and out in minutes.”
It’s been months since Lenny has left the house, Lenny was nervous and borderline agoraphobic. The thought of going to the store caused him to break out in a cold sweat.
Lenny thought back to Kandy Gestin’s title “Can you help me?” He knew he didn’t have a choice. If he was going to marry Kandy one day, he needed to be there for her when she needed him most. With that, Lenny grabbed a crusty sweat stained T-shirt from the floor and his stretched out black basketball shorts. He felt good. He hadn’t dressed up like this in a long time, Lenny noticed a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time, it was confidence. Taking one final deep breath of the rotten air that clung to the peeling wallpaper like asbestos, Lenny stepped outside his door onto the creaking decrepit porch. The sun beat down on his face exposing every blemish, pimple and opened sore hiding under the thin layer of grease that covered his skin. Lenny squinted and quickly hobbled to the car in hopes to avoid any nosey neighbors.
Chapter 3
Lenny pulled into the Best Electronics parking lot which was mostly empty except for a few beat-up older models of popular cars parked at the far end of the parking lot. Lenny figured they were the employees’ cars and as per store policy, the closest spots to the store were reserved for the customers. “Doing the lord’s work.” Lenny chuckled to himself as he passed by a beat up 1979 Honda Civic trying to ignore the anxious feeling building like an active volcano within him. Lenny pulled into the closest spot to the store. As he looked at the rearview mirror, looking back was a large man with disheveled hair and a neckbeard that would put a dwarf to shame.
Lenny’s heart was racing. His stomach leapt to his throat. Breathing became shallow and swallowing felt impossible. “It’s not too late to turn around.” Lenny thought to himself. It was then he remembered why he was doing this, his princess was asking…no…she NEEDED him. Lenny thought back to the title “Can you help me?” Scared or not, he must do it, if not for himself than for her.
Lenny tried to take a deep breath but that was cut short by his stomach making contact with the steering wheel. He let out a phlegmy cough. Finally, he caught his breath and exited the vehicle. As he stepped out, the vehicle rocked from the shifted weight. With each step closer he could feel his heart rate increasing. It’s been longer than he could recall since he’s visited a store in person. Lenny’s hands began to feel frozen and clammy. Beads of sweat raced down his back only to be stopped by the sweat stained worn out elastic band of the boxers that should have been washed months ago. The sweat from under his arms began to pool in the fabric of his shirt. A cool breeze passed him by but he paid no mind. His vision narrowed to a pinhole while a black abyss surrounded him. The outside world no longer existed. His stomach was in knots, his throat dry and tight. His mind raced with thoughts of begging for the sweet embrace of death just to end this suffering.
As he approached the door he heard a voice in the back of his mind “It’s not too late to turn back!” And with that, he stepped into the store. The store had a familiar smell. Something like cardboard boxes, ammonia and sweat. Lenny remembers coming here often with his father to pick out games or DVD’s. Lenny’s father was a big film buff with some of his favorites being the classic Gary Cooper westerns. Despite the initial apprehension, there was an unrecognizable comfort to being here. The layout hasn’t changed since Lenny was a kid and something about the smell worked like a time machine if only for a moment Lenny felt like his parents were still alive and any minute his did would emerge from the DVD aisle with a new western for them to watch later that day. Lenny noticed the same bin of unorganized discount B-movies with character actors you may recognize but not know their name. That’s been a staple to this store as much as the lights and drywall. He made his way to the back of the store slowing down as he approached the DVD aisle. DvDs as far as the eye could see. For a moment Lenny forgot about his anxiety but like the career of many of these unknown actors, the feeling was short lived.
Lenny knew the computer section was located at the back of the store. Employees, mostly young kids in blue pin-up shirts were located all around the store congregating in small groups chatting with one another. Like a deer in game season Lenny moved swiftly in hopes to not be seen. As he approached the computer section he scanned his environment. A young mother with bright blonde hair and a face that screamed injections argued with her child, a young man with buzzed hair and little hairs on his upper lip indicating the start of facial hair. The boy’s awkward height and appearance led Lenny to believe the boy was high school age and the boy’s attitude confirmed it. The mother and son were arguing while the store clerk, a young man in his twenties with shaggy blonde hair and a five o’clock shadow, moved boxes and straightened them pretending to be busy.
“Mom, I know what I need!”
“Can’t I just ask? What’s the harm?”
The shaggy haired employee had a glazed over look in his eyes as if he’s heard this exact conversation one too many times.
“Let me just ask!”
“Mom!” The young boy shouted in defiance as he stormed away in a huff.
The woman looked at the black screen of a floor model computer screen and adjusted her hair. She walked up to the employee working the shelf and asked “My son needs a computer for school. Do you have any recommendations?”
The employee did his best to act like this wasn’t a daily occurrence and walked her to a table with many computers on display all ranging in price. With the worker distracted, Lenny scurried down the aisle with the keyboards.
The aisle was large and the option of keyboards even larger. Some keyboards were giant while others were half the size of a traditional keyboard. Some keyboards split in two pieces while others claimed to glow every color of the rainbow (and a few colors the eye can’t even see).
A section of keyboards claimed to be mechanical and prided themselves in the “click” they made with each key pressed while other keyboards gloated about the silence of their keys while in use. Lenny scanned the shelves for something similar to what he previously had. That’s when it happened. That feeling a deer feels when they know they’re in the crosshairs. Death is imminent. Before Lenny could run he was stuck dead in his tracks by those four deadly words “Can I help you?”
A chill ran up from Lenny’s spine as the siren in his mind screamed “RUN!” his throat began to close and breathing became labored, Lenny’s mouth became the texture of sandpaper and his vision closed around him. Sweat gushed from his pores as his heart raced. With what little strength Lenny could muster he turned around and said “No.”
Lenny grabbed the first box in sight and ran for the self-checkout. As he made his way to the exit receipt in hand an older gentleman with a gray beard and a blue pin-up shirt waved and said “have a great day!” Lenny paid no mind and ran out the store. As soon as the fresh air hit his face, he threw up.
With operation peripherals a success, Lenny took a deep breath and drove home. When he pulled onto the road of his home he noticed his elderly neighbor Maureen Hallium tending to the hedges that separated Lenny’s house from hers. When Lenny’s father was still alive he took great pride in those hedges and ensured they were maintained and trimmed for optimal growth. Since his passing, Lenny hasn’t given the hedges a second thought letting them grow into a tangled overgrown mess of a wall. Maureen was clear about how she felt about the untrimmed hedges. Maureen was a heart on her sleeve kind of gal. Maureen lost her husband to the Koreans during the war and since then as she referred to it “doesn’t trust those Orientals.” Maureen took nothing for granted and expected those around her to do the same. Maureen had a short stature, as short as you’d imagine your great grandmother from old country. Her wiry white hair covered her skeletal features. She was frail and looked like she could give out any day. Lenny did not like looking at her. Her mere existence was a subtle reminder that death waits for no one. As Lenny got closer to his house he tried to think tactically how he could sneak in without feeling the bitter wrath of a resentful old widow.
Four houses away and she’s already waving. “Jesus Christ.” Lenny exasperated. As he pulled into his driveway she was already talking to him. She was oblivious to the fact that with his window up he couldn’t hear a word and instead saw an older woman moving her lips and acting out a conversation similar to the silent films she grew up with. Lenny chuckled to himself at her expense and stepped out of the car. The car rocked back and forth letting out a loud creak as the weight shifted. With trimmers in hand and a big yellow sun hat to cover up that skeletal face she asked “Hi Lenny! How are you doing today sweetie?”
“You’re disgusting.” Lenny thought to himself.
“I’m fine,” he said. Before he could continue she cut him off.
“I made a pork roast.” She looked down somberly. “It was Harold’s favorite,” Her tone receded back to chipper. “Anyway, I can barely make a dent in the darn thing. I would love for you to come over and help me eat it.”
Without missing a beat, Lenny said “No thanks.” and walked into his house.
Mauren still talking, said “Okay sweetie, I’ll just leave some by the doorstep.” and she continued to trim the hedges humming a tune lost to time.
Chapter 4
By the time Lenny came home, it was late in the afternoon. Just in time for the now thawed pizza that’s been sitting on the counter waiting to be devoured since the morning. Lenny grabbed the floppy now mushy pizza, a shell of what it once was in its frozen state. The sour smell of rancid cheese lingered in the air as he carried the E coli on crust to his desk. With greasy fingers Lenny opened the box to his new keyboard and discovered something he had not expected. Paired along with the keyboard was a Bluetooth webcam. Lenny grabbed the keyboard and mouse, removed them from the plastic wrap and threw the box on the floor. The box smacked the floor with a loud crash as the webcam rolled under his desk becoming one with the mess.
With keyboard and mouse intact, Lenny was ready to settle into his favorite internet personality. Today must have been a special day because to his surprise, Kandy Gestin was wearing a yellow bikini that appeared to be held together by no more than dental floss. She was stomach deep in a hot tub and talking to the camera in a much more somber tone than usual. In an attempt to increase the volume Lenny pressed a button that looked like a volume key. The window playing the video closed. “Fuck!” Lenny screamed as his fists came down like two anvils in a fit of rage. Moments before making contact with the keyboard, Lenny remembered the trouble he went through to obtain it. Not wanting to relive that horrid experience he took a deep breath and let the anger dissipate into deep breathing. “No more breaking.” Lenny said to himself. He opened the page again and started the video.
Kandy stood stomach deep in a hot tub in her yellow dental floss bikini.
“Hi guys, Kandy here. So I have some bad news babes. As you know, I do everything in my power to stay beautiful for you babes. I work sooooooooooo hard every day to maintain this.” Kandy ran her fingers up and down her body while swaying.
“Last week I visited Dr. Feildmans office to talk about my next round of surgeries and he was being a real dick.” Kandy pouted.
“That dick!” Lenny said under his breath.
The video continued. “Dr. Feildman said I was no longer a” Kandy lifted her fingers to make air quotations “candidate”. Whatever that means. He said I could no longer be a client of his.”
Kandy shook her head back and forth, pouting imitating a child.
“I asked my friends for their doctors but their doctors all said I was too high risk to work on.”
“Idiots.” Lenny murmured to himself.
“My friend Tilda Tits, you may know her from my whipped cream challenge video?” Lenny nodded at the screen.
“She recommended a doctor down in Mexico. Now, this is where I need your help. Kandy’s voice went from somber to sensual.
“I’ve created an account on ModelVista and for $40.00 a month you can see exclusive videos too private to show here.” Kandy winked at the camera. “With enough donations, I can fly to Mexico and get the surgery I desperately need.”
That was all Lenny needed to hear. Before the video ended, he was already on ModelVista imputing his credit card information.
Chapter 5
Within minutes of Lenny imputing his credit card information, he received an email with the subject “Hey Sweetie!” Upon clicking, he was greeted with a treasure trove of the raunchiest pornography he’s ever seen. All starring his girlfriend who didn’t know she was his girlfriend, Kandy Genstin.
“The forbidden fruit.” Lenny whispered under his breath hoping no one would hear of his discovery. He slid his pants and sweat stained underwear around his swollen ankles. Overwhelmed by the selection, he scrolled through the videos until he saw a video titled “Fingered in Kandyland.” Without hesitation Lenny clicked the link.
His face lit up with the same glee as a child’s face on Christmas morning. “I love you.” Lenny whispered in a sensual tone almost hoping she would whisper back.
Kandy sat in a room dressed up like a fantasy world made of candy. Hot pink walls and giant candy canes filled the background as she lay spread eagle on a round bed covered in a plush blanket the color scheme of peppermint candy. In her left hand was a vibrator but not any vibrator for she held the PleasureMaster 3000. Banned in 30 countries the PleasureMaster 3000 was one certification from legally being declared a power tool. Kandy with a sensual look in her eyes gazed at the camera and asked “Are you ready to fuck me?” Lenny grabbed his semi-flaccid penis, looked at the screen in a confident tone and said “Yeah.”
Kandy turned on the PleasureMaster 3000. The roar of the motor sounded like a Boeing 747 taking off. She began to move it to her crotch and upon making contact she let out a squeal that sounded both pleasurable and painful. For added lubrication, Lenny spit in his hand. Accompanied with the spit was the remnants of the melted cheese and grease from the thawed pizza from moments before. As Kandy’s moans grew, so did Lenny.
“I’m going to fucking cum!” She screamed. And that was all it took. He ejaculated all over the screen, the new keyboard and himself. Millions of Lenny Jr’s ran down his sweaty chest making contact with processed cheese and sweat. The euphoria that overtook Lenny was enough to tranquilize an elephant. Within moments Lenny was snoring, still as a statue while the semen and thawed pizza crusted to his new keyboard.
Chapter 6
Lenny awoke to the sound of moaning. his eyes darted to the screen and to his surprise, the archive of videos continued to play throughout the night. Lenny grabbed his phone and with an overgrown, fungally infected nail he scraped away the remnants of dried seminal fluid that blocked his screen. He saw a notification from Kandy’s channel with the title “Thank you!”
Lenny slid the notification to the left, opening the application and automatically playing the video. Kandy was in a yellow and red polka-dot bikini sitting in a hot tub. She had an off-yellow beverage in her hand in a large martini glass one could assume contained alcohol. Suddenly, Kandy looked at the camera as if she hadn’t noticed it was there previously and said “Oh, didn’t see you there!” Lenny knew her well enough to tell by the tone of her voice that she was in a much better mood than the previous video.
He smiled knowing his queen was happy. Still half naked from the night before, body covered in solidified grease and semen with sweat stained underwear wrapped around his ankles, Lenny giggled to himself like a young boy who received his first kiss.
He pressed the increase volume button on his new keyboard, the button crunched as he broke the layer of semen that created a barrier over the key. His greasy finger left a gleam on the key that reflected what little light broke through the mostly closed curtains. He continued to watch the video. Kandy had excitement in her voice and could hardly contain herself from bursting out in giggles between sentences. “Guys, I have amazing news!” Kandy danced in the water spilling her drink in the hot tub. “Oops!” she said with a flirty tone. Reigning in the act she tried to reflect a more serious tone still fighting off the giggles. “Thanks to your donations, I raised enough money for my trip!”
Kandy jumped causing the water to shoot out of the hot tub and her drink to fill its place. Lenny clapped his hands in excitement. Lenny was never an athlete but he imagined this is how sports teams felt when they worked together to win the championship. The difference being instead of a bunch of longhaired jocks winning the Stanley Cup and going to Disney World, a group of horny men sent a barely legal girl to Mexico for experimental surgery. To Lenny, it was one in the same.
During his celebration, Lenny forgot Kandy was still talking. “Forgive me my love.” he said to the screen and rewound the video. “ised enough money for my trip.” Kandy smiled at the camera and Lenny’s heart melted. That was the woman he was going to marry even if she didn’t know it yet. Kandy continued. “As you know, the recovery time will be a minimum of six months and in that time there will be an absence of videos.” Lenny’s ears rang with tinnitus. Kandys mouth still moved but he couldn’t make out a word. Lenny’s vision became tunneled as his heart began to race thumping out of his chest. The pulsing of his veins throbbed in his neck like a metronome. He clenched his fist and in a fit of rage slammed his hands onto his keyboard. The plastic frame cracked in half and his keys flew in the air performing acrobatics before crashing to the floor. “A few months?” Lenny screamed in a fit of rage. “What the fuck!”
It finally occurred to Lenny that without Kandy, life wasn’t so sweet. Kandy filled the void of reality and without her he faced a well of darkness he knew no amount of masturbation could dig him out of. How Lenny would fill the void in her absence was unknown but in this time of uncertainty he knew one thing, he needed a new keyboard.
With the absence of Kandy Gensin, Lenny felt empty and alone. Time crept, the hours decayed the day second by miserable second until it reached a complete halt. Lenny no longer was distracted from the reality of his life. He sat and watched the decaying corpse that was once a cat now infested with maggots, hypnotized as the little larvae picked the bones to a clean ivory white. Lenny’s floor was hidden under a myriad of processed food boxes left to break down to mere remnants of what they once were and if Lenny was lucky, so will his mind.
A knock at the door awoke Lenny from his sugar induced coma. He stepped through the sea of trash while things crunched and popped under his swollen feet. Centipedes scurried with each of his steps as flies darted through the air. *Crunch!* a cry of what sounded like a large rodent filled the room. The cries were muffled by a gurgling sound of what one can only imagine was little rat lungs filling with blood. The animal cried out in pain but its cries were blocked by the layers of discarded boxes and soda cans it used as shelter. After a few moments, the crying stopped.
Lenny finally arrived at the large oak door that separated his den from the outside world. Boxes sent from online purchases blocked the entrance to the point where the door would no longer open. In a fit of rage, he stomped on the boxes smashing them to irregular shapes only held together by the branded packing tape that read “Thanks for your purchase.” Overtaken by rage, he swung the door open. His breathing was heavy and his face red. Lenny was ready to unleash years of anger on whoever was stupid enough to awake the sleeping giant. To his surprise, it was a box left on his doorstep. He completely forgot he ordered another keyboard after breaking it last night. As familiar as an old friend, something about the box brought him comfort. As he bent down to lift the box his knees cracked like walnut shells. The tape read “Thanks for your purchase.” Lenny cracked a warm smile and went inside.
Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity declares that time is relative, implying the rate in which time passes is dictated by one’s frame of reference. In Lenny’s case, time has come to a standstill. It has been forty eight hours since Kandy left, only forever to go. Lenny needed a distraction. A man’s will is strong but the flesh is weak. His penis was raw and swollen from continuous mastabatory sessions.
Lenny opened up VideoTube the website he first laid eyes on his future wife, he began to scroll endlessly hoping something would catch his attention and even if only for a moment, anesthetize the pain in his heart. Suddenly, Lenny’s eyes caught a large man with a big bristly beard. The man looked like a modern day Viking. The man stood in a kitchen dangling a habanero pepper over his mouth the way you would bait a fish. The video had big bold comic looking typeface that read “Habanero challenge.” Lenny clicked the video.
Loud music started to play over text that read “I’m not a professional, don’t be dumb and try this at home.” The music and text faded to reveal the modern day viking with his blonde shaggy hair and unkept beard that hung just above his nipples. Despite the man’s appearance he looked no older than mid to late twenties. Behind him was a luxurious kitchen that looked like the set of a cooking program. The man stood behind an island that separated the kitchen in half. With a black marble finish that gleamed and sparkled from the overhead lighting. On the counter was a glass jar labeled “habanero peppers” with a warning beneath “Caution! Very hot!!”
The man looking directly in the camera took a deep breath and shouted “What’s up ladies and genitals! If this is your first time here, I’m Tyler and this is my channel.” In jest, the man blew a kiss to the camera. He continued “I was called out by Crissy Wyde to do the habanero challenge and I ain’t no bitch” The man bared his teeth like a rabid dog. “So let’s get it!” The man unscrewed the jar lifting a little orange pepper by the thin green stem. The pepper had indents and marks that said “don’t eat me” The pepper glistened in the light as the pickling solution dripped onto the black marble table. “For those who don’t know, the habanero challenge is eating three habanero peppers in under three minutes and not washing it down. If you drink milk, you lose.”
Tyler popped the pepper in his mouth yanking the stem behind him like a soldier with a grenade and began to chew viciously. Within seconds his eyes became wide as he let out a breath of air from his mouth. Tyler chewed quickly and swallowed, opening his mouth and sticking his tongue out to reveal he finished it. His face began to become beat red and glisten in sweat. “Whew! That’s hot as fuck!” Tyler quickly grabbed another pepper and bit into it, throwing the stem behind him. He winced as the spice took hold and chewed as quickly as possible, opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue to reveal an empty mouth.
His face became flushed as sweat dripped off his nose. His eyes watered as a combination of drool and pepper juice dripped onto his beard getting lost in the jungle of hair. “Ahh! Fuck!” Tyler let out in pain. Wincing as he stuck his hand in for the third and final pepper. Before he could put the pepper in his mouth he was taken over by hiccups. “Fuc” *hiccup* “Not No” *Hiccup* He quickly said “Fuck it!” and put the pepper in his mouth. Tyler leaned on the black marble counter head hung down, face beat red, sweating and trying to fight hiccups (and losing). Tyler chewed manically trying to swallow among the barrage of hiccups. Sweat and drool poured off Tyler’s face pooling onto the black marble counter.
Tylers beard was checkered with bits of saliva and habanero. He banged the marble and lifted his red sweat covered face. Sweat flung towards the camera as his bloodshot eyes locked on to the viewer. Tyler opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue. The saliva was pooling off his tongue and into his beard. The sweat dripping from every pore on his face. His eyes watering to the point of blindness. Trying to talk Tyler was taken over by a continuous attack of hiccups. Trying to act tough he tried to subdue the pain until suddenly, his eyes became wide. His beat red skin became as pale as the white light hanging above. Like an inactive volcano without warning, Tyler blew chunks everywhere. Vomit flung from his mouth with force that looked like something from a Tom Savini film. His breathing was labored, after one big breath and like a deer in the headlights he looked scared and vomited again all over the counter and himself. Tyler was leaning over the counter wrenching in pain when suddenly, the screen went black. The video came back with Tyler looking much better, his shirt was clean and his beard..well at least it didn’t have vomit in it. He was sitting on a large black fabric couch in what appeared to be a living room. The lighting was perfect and behind him was a massive flatscreen television hung above a beautiful stone fireplace.
“Hey guys, so, it was a bust.” Tyler looked down in disappointment. “Those peppers are really fucking hot!” He shrugged and despite trying to act casual, Lenny could see the pain in his eyes. “Thanks for” Tyler was interrupted by a hiccup. “Watching. Christ.” A series of hiccups began again. Between hiccups Tyler was able to get out “For the habanero challenge, I nominate Thomas Runn and DisasterMaster. Good luck boys!” Tyler reached for the camera covering the lens, the screen went black with a title card that read “Thanks for watching! Don’t forget to comment and subscribe! And if you want to participate, don’t forget to tag the video #HabaneroChallenge.”
Lenny scrolled down to the comment section to see what people said. FartBucket42 wrote: “Wow Tyler you crushed it!” Screaming Beagle wrote: “Pussy, I could eat 10 of em!” PaulD7149 wrote: “Wow!” PurplePanda9813 wrote: “Don’t be upset you couldn’t do it, it’s not physically possible to eat more than one habanero.”
Lenny’s blood began to boil. “Physically impossible?” He said under his breath with resentment. Lenny did not believe in a higher power, at least he didn’t until that very moment for Lenny was overtaken by something far greater than himself, Lenny became possessed by the spirit of truth. Lenny clicked on PurplePanda9813’s account and clicked “reply” his fingers pounded away at the keyboard, the plastic key caps stuck to the base of the keyboard only to recoil back when they felt the wrath of Lenny once again. Lenny wrote furiously hoping his vitriol would be baked into each letter creating a toxic feast of a sentence. “Impossible? The dictionary defines impossible as: “Not able to occur, exist or be done.” To call something unpleasant impossible not only shows your cowardice but your ignorance of the English language. Instead of wasting everyone’s time with your belligerence, why don’t you do something proactive like kill yourself.” Lenny pressed the big blue button that read “post” and sat back in his chair as he drowned in dopamine. The rush was better than sex, or so he imagined. Before long, Lenny saw a little red bell icon appear on the page. He clicked it and saw PurplePanda9813 responded with a simple “Alright bigshot, let’s see you do it.” Within fifteen minutes Lenny had order confirmation that the world’s hottest chili pepper is expected to be delivered by 9:00 AM the following day.
Lenny sat back crushing pizza boxes and remnants of food under the wheels of his “office” chair when he noticed on the right side of the video was hundreds of people with colorful thumbnails all titled “#HabaneroChallenge”
“I’ve found my people Lenny said as he chuckled, shoving a handful of chili chips into his mouth.
Part 2 coming soon!
P.S. If you’ve made it this far thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed, sharing with a friend of subscribing would mean the world.
Lorne
P.P.S. I’ve sat on this idea for some time but wanted to be transparent. I write for free. I one day hope to make a career out of it but for the time being this is an act of love. If you want to support my work or just get the stories in full BEFORE they release to Substack, please consider subscribing to my Patreon. It’s only $2 and it would mean more than you’d ever know.
Lorne Bronstein